writing breakthrough

so while I am still trying to get the novel(s) written, I have ideas as to maybe getting some looser ideas together into a book, sort of a collection of short stories. I'm just not sure if I should make it a mix of the mainstream ramblings of thought, or throw in the more....shall we say, graphic stories as well, or do a separate book of the graphic stuff. I guess for now, I'll just stick to writing what I can get on paper and go from there.

Study Follow up and Socks

So I went to my follow up appointment today with my RE in burlington, and he was awesome, as usual. We had figured out which drug I was on in the study because of the side effects, and he explained that the results that happened were common in the study (I won't tell numbers so that those who read this from the study don't lose hope.). He gave us options, and when we explained that we wanted to take a break for a while and work on treating the PCOS symptoms, he was happy too, saying that it gives him enough time to finish with the last set of participants and he'll have better results to give us the best chances of conceiving again if we so choose. So now I'm back on the BCP and the Metformin, which gives me some hope that I can lose some weight because just diet and exercise isn't cutting it. Dr. Casson is awesome. That's all I can say. First doctor I've had in a long time who listens, doesn't talk to me like I am a moron, and remembers who I am.

In knitting news, I finished my first pair of socks. I don't know if they count, since i did them on the Knifty Knitter blue loom because I had to take a break from the shawl, but they came out cool.

I knit them for Baldman's grandma, since I can't get the shawl done in time for Christmas. These will keep her feet warm in the home, I hope. I think I'll make another pair for my brother for his annual sock present, and if I have enough time a pair for his girlfriend. They only take about five hours to make, so I might be able to pull it off before Saturday.

at a crossroads

There comes a time in one's life where they have a decision to make. College or career, stay single or get married, kids or no kids. No matter what people do, they will always have choices to make.

Right now, I'm there. After five rounds of fertility drugs that made me a hormone casserole with no pregnancy as a result, a marriage that seems to be stagnating, and a toddler who is very needy and driving me bonkers, I have to decide what I want and need. I don't know anymore. I don't know if I want to put myself through the hormones again to have another child when my husband barely touches me, I don't know how much I want to go through the sleep deprivation that comes with another infant when I barely get four hours a night now because of terror toddler and his inability to sleep in his own bed (to the point that we're getting a new mattress and decided to get a king sized bed so that there is room for him when he crawls in). I don't even know if I want another child at all now; I don't enjoy being a parent all that much, and miss privacy and time to myself (such a rare commodity that I had to beg to put my son into daycare so that twice a week I could get time to actually get some sleep and maybe actually clean the house).

Maybe I just miss having some space. I don't get that. My husband, he gets space because twenty minutes after he gets home he retreats to our room to play on his damn xbox and I spend all my time playing with kiddo and trying to do everything around the house that he can't/won't do. I end up with severe hives trying to clean up the house after being exposed to mouse dander from the stupid mice that the traps didn't get and we had to put poison out to kill, and yet he says "oh, I'll do it" and then NEVER does it.

I'm just....I'm burned out. I seriously question why I am married anymore. Ever since he was in the hospital...I wonder what meds they put him on and if that's a factor in his drive. I'm not saying all I want is sex. I just, I want my husband, damn it. I want a partner. I don't have that anymore. We used to be a team, and now...now I feel like the lone adult in the house.

Before anyone says anything, leaving isn't an option. I made a promise, sickness and health, richer or poorer, etc; and mental illness is still illness.

work in progress

my work in progress knitting wise. I'm posting so that i can be held accountable for it! LOL need to keep on it and finish it! it sure is a distraction from the stress of the holidays and the lack of luck in the baby making department.

Do people choose to be ignorant?

Over the past week or so my husband has been fighting with his sister, who called him lazy for supporting the occupy wall street movement. today she posted something about seeing a picture of an occupier holding a starbucks cup and said that "guess everyone has a price". I swear, in our dealings with her, I seriously wonder if people choose to be closed minded or ignorant.

She and her husband are, well, I guess they fall under the tea party movement. They watch only Fox news for information, and she has a tendency to only look at one side of a story (her husband is a little more open to the fact that there are differences in opinion, but still a rather conservative man). I don't understand how anyone, especially anyone who has a college degree, can do that. How can anyone look at only one side, and not look at how something affects all people? How can they take the word of only one person, and not look at the thousands of stories from all sides before forming an opinion? How can a sister look at her brother, a man who served his country and is disabled because of his service, a man who has been working hard to provide for his family and can only find minimum wage work at varied hours and goes to school to get a degree that might improve his lot in life, and call him lazy?

I can see why she has the thought processes she has; she was raised with privilege and preferential treatment wherever she went. She was spoiled by her parents and given everything she wanted; a car, concerts in Montreal when her favorite bands played there, her own phone in her room, etc. That privilege has continued into her adult life, and she and her husband pull in a six figure income.  This is the same woman who, instead of coming to see her preemie nephew in the NICU or in the PICU post-surgery, thought it was more important to blow off work and drive to the funeral of an 80's star she adored as a kid, a funeral that she was not invited to and was nine hours and one country away. So clearly, her priorities are very skewed to a very selfish sense of self-importance.

But seriously, how can this person, who was raised by her parents to be very open-minded and knowledge-seeking, be so closed minded? I have been tempted to write to her and say why her brother has been so hurt by her callousness, but why bother when I know she will never take those words to heart?

Why I would Occupy....

It’s not about looking for a redistribution of wealth; it’s about looking for a livable wage.

It’s not about looking for a handout; it’s about looking for a change in job security.

It’s not about being lazy; it’s about wanting jobs to exist so that one is not seen as lazy.

It’s not about causing hate and discontent; it’s about seeking change and stability for all.

It’s not about being unpatriotic; it’s about showing the ultimate in patriotism.

It’s not about rioting; it’s about showing solidarity in a peaceful way.

It’s not about the youth of America not wanting to work; it’s about Americans from all walks of life taking a stand because jobs don’t exist for them to work. Veterans, older Americans, displaced workers of all ages, students, and teachers, everyone who is trying to look for work and just cannot find it because the jobs are not there.

You cannot evict an idea whose time has come.

You cannot live on minimum wage unless you work 40 hours a week and are single; even then, it’s difficult in most parts of the country.

You cannot repress those who are already feeling repressed; they are taking a stand against the oppression they already feel.

To answer non-violent protests with violence and abuse makes one look like a bully. Violence is never the answer.

There has to be a peaceful resolution to this. It is time for the corporations who have taken all those jobs overseas to be taxed to the point that it is more cost effective for them to bring that labor and industry home instead of being rewarded. It is time for there to be a living wage, not a minimum wage. It is time for quality healthcare for all instead of preferential treatment for the wealthy. It is time for the country to take care of its veterans instead of discharging them from the service without getting them the help they need unless the veteran finds a good advocate to help them through the red tape. It is about taking care of our elderly instead of cutting their Medicare and Social Security.

It is time for Americans to stand together and support their fellow man, woman and child, old and young, veterans and civilians alike.  It is time to look beyond ourselves and look at our brothers and sisters, friends and enemies, and see how this economic recession is affecting them. Instead of whining about having to pay more at Starbucks for your cup of coffee, remember that what you are paying for is helping the person serving you across the counter survive and pay for food/rent/school/etc. Instead of whining about your insurance premiums, remember that you are lucky enough to have insurance at all and that many who need medical help cannot get it without going bankrupt.

going to try to relax.....

I've started up on my knitting again, which is helping me get through some of the stress and tension. I finished a scarf for the boychild and now I'm knitting a scarf for me. I used to rely on the looms that Provo Craft sells, but I really wanted to get some good physical therapy for my hands so I actually used needles. This is a method Baldman can use to test my mood; when my knitting is tight, it means I'm stressed; looser it is, the better mood I am in.

And I installed my old Sims 2 games onto this computer. I've tried Sims 3 in the past and didn't like it, but really needed something to get my creativity on that doesn't take up a lot of space in the house. I want to design our dream house. I wish someday the guys from Extreme home makeover could do the same for my house. I miss my crafting space and my ability to express myself with art and color. I am hoping knitting helps me get that release, too....

Maybe if I relax enough, we can get pregnant without the drugs.