Not into Christmas....but trying...

Most of you know I am not into Christmas; when I was sixteen my mom woke up Christmas morning and told my dad she wanted a divorce because she met a man on the internet....and because our walls were thin and the heating ducts carry sound well, I found out that day too. Yeah, great way to kill the Christmas spirit.

We're trying to get more into the spirit of it for the holidays for the little man, but I'm just not feeling it. I'd rather be out giving back than receiving, but that isn't happening this year. Maybe when he's older.

I swear the month of December is just BAD for us. A few years I had family members die (they all seem to want to pass on in December), one year was a disaster trip to my evil SIL's house. All but one of my miscarriages have happened in the month of December. two years ago Sean drove our old van off the highway and totaled it. This year, probably the scariest: was in a car accident yesterday where we hit a patch of ice and spun off the highway about 30 feet down a ravine. the baby was safe and secure in his car seat (the EMTs and everyone were surprised how well his carseat was installed...should I have told them they taught my DH and I well?), and SuperGrammy and I are just sore (her from tensing up trying to control the spin, me from being thrown against the passenger door while spinning), and her car only has a crack in the bumper, but I am seriously just done with the month of December. They told us we were lucky we didn't flip, but it sure felt like we did....

Is there any way to just get put into a temporary coma to get through the month of December? Staying busy sure doesn't seem to help.....

Weighing the options

I've been feeling baby envy.

I know, I know, it's normal and healthy as your child gets older, but here's the thing: I really want a girl.

I know boys, I grew up with boys and raised boys. But there has always been this need or feeling to have a little girl. I want the chance to dress someone into cute little dresses (without my kid needing therapy for it!), and someone to, I don't know, balance the hormones in this house; right now it's dripping with testosterone.

I love my son, I really do, and I am grateful we had a boy first, but I still wish I had a little girl too.

So I think I've made my decision: if it's possible, we will try for one more child. It's not a guarantee that we'll have a girl, and we have an appointment with the specialists in the beginning of January to see if:
A: it's even an option, and
B: how long bedrest is likely to be...

And it turns out that the specialist I go see in Vermont is also doing a study on PCOS and how to get and stay pregnant. I don't know if I'll be allowed to get in on the study, because of the bicornuate thing, but if I can, it would be nice to get all of that care at a GOOD hospital for free!

What went down

Those of you who follow me on Facebook may have noticed that some stuff went down between my sister in law and myself. It's been a long build up and finally just had to spew for the sake of my sanity, but here goes:

She made a bad joke (supposedly a joke, according to her) about not understanding why I feel as old as I do. I did not see it as a joke, and I never do from people who know what we went through raising Booger Child and such (anyone who knows me at all knows NEVER to joke about that). She has said in the past that we have no idea what it is like to raise teenagers; has treated Baldman like her "dorky baby brother", even though they are all over the age of thirty and are supposedly adults, and tries to say that he's not disabled, and does everything to keep him (and me) in a less superior position than herself. She has claimed that I have less life experience than her, and so much other shyte that I blew up. She tried claiming I am trying to take over her position as the daughter from her parents (HAHAHA, not going to happen in a million years; she is always their priority, and I made sure to tell her that....)

After I moved everything to private message, because frankly it was pointless to keep the argument public, she accused me of trying to humiliate her on Facebook; we don't share any of the same friends except for family, and none of them gave a damn.

I tried to stay level headed; I did not use negative terms, I did not call her names (although I sorely wanted to); I simply pointed out that she and I had different views on life and how life experiences shape us and that we are unlikely to ever see eye to eye. I tried to reassure her that I would never try to take her position in her family, and that her parents love her and she is their priority (often above us, especially when her nanny got committed two days before Monkey Child's surgery and Supergrammy went to be with her even though she had already promised to be with me during the surgery). All of this was futile; she was even ruder and was acting more and more like a spoiled brat; she claimed I was the one with the issues and that I needed help; not realizing that I do get help for the issues I have, and will always be getting help because I know how important it is to keep working on those 12 steps for ACOA. I never said I didn't have issues, because I know I do. I'm working on my issues.

Since it is unlikely that she will ever see this, because she is rather self-involved and doesn't give a damn about anyone but herself unless they wound her pride and then she gets bitchy, I'm going to say all of the negative things on here that I didn't say before:

SIL, you are a spoiled, immature, ego-centric brat. You treat your brother like shit, and have no respect for anyone who is younger than you unless they kiss your ass. You do not see that just because a person is younger they can have life experience and that it is not about less or more life experience, it is about the lessons you take from those experiences. You are intolerant, ignorant, and unless you get your head out of your ass and realize that the world does not revolve around you, you will never be truly happy with yourself or with the others in your life. While your kids may be smart, they are being raised to be ignorant and intolerant of other races, religions, and orientations, which when they hit the real world will bite them in the ass unless they are kept sheltered the rest of their life.
You may be older than I am, but you do not act like an adult. You act like a teenager, which is probably why I talked to you like one (as you so accused me of). I never tried to analyze you like a psychologist would, because that's just not what you do with family; but if I were to do so from the way you wrote to me and from your behavior to me and to your family, I would say you have some serious issues that likely point to a personality disorder.
Grow up and get over yourself; You've ruined any chance of a friendship or relationship other than by law with me, and your brother will be letting you know how he feels about you after the holidays; no sense ruining your family's holidays by getting you into a bad mood.  It's a shame you won't get to know your nephew, or any other child we might have if we decide to try again, but then again that's probably for the best. You don't want to know us anyway; if you did, I wouldn't have to always be the one to initiate contact. Don't worry, I will not make that mistake again. All contact or ties to you, your husband, or your children or BFF have been severed, and will stay that way. I kept your parents out of it, except to mention to your mom that she might want to reassure you that your "position in the family" is safe, because if I had those feelings, I would have wanted my parents to reassure me. I even mentioned to your mom that if it were possible to get down to you for Christmas, or for the kids with winter birthdays' celebrations, she should, just so you can feel secure. Unlike you, I care about how other people feel, and if someone feels that insecure, I would go out of my way to help them feel secure. I did it for my brother, and I did it for you because no matter how badly you treat me, you are my sister in law, and I do, or rather did, care about you and your family. Shame you're too much of a selfish bitch to see that.


*sigh* That feels much better. She may never see it, but it's nice to let it out so I can let go and move on.

Torn

So I've been away from blogging for a bit, thanks to Baldman's new job and the chaos that ensued to get it and to get into a routine. My mom also visited for ten days, supposedly to help but was actually more of a hindrance. Whatever, over and done with now.

With Baldman's new job we have good benefits and definitely better pay. While this is great and all, and he loves his job, it's leaving me torn.

I am still debating whether or not we should try to have one more child. We can afford it now, but because of the bicornuate thing it'll automatically be considered high risk, meaning bedrest, possible hospital time before birth, possible NICU time, etc. I don't know if I want to put my whole family through that. Supergrammy is being more of a help, which is nice, and we'd pay her to take care of Monkeychild if bedrest happens, but do I really want to risk it?

MonkeyChild loves other kids, and babies on TV, so I think if we do try it would be best to do so sooner. I do my schoolwork online, so that won't be affected unless I am hospitalized with no wifi access. Baldman would love one more kiddo, and I would too...but is it worth the risks involved?

LOL, see why I am torn??? 

Whatever happened to common courtesy?

Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but when you plan on visiting someone you rarely see, you call them ahead of time to set up a time, right?

Apparently my SIL and her family do not understand this courtesy. They have family church camp up here this weekend (which we didn't know about, since we don't do the church thing and the camp is two towns over and away from the roads we drive on a regular basis), and they wanted to see us, but of course the days we have off they have to visit other people. Had we known when they were going to come up, we could have re-arranged our appointments so we could visit (a VA TB test for Sean and some fillings for me), but no, we didn't find out until Friday night that they were coming up Saturday.

Urgh!!!!! She already drives me up the wall with her behavior and manners; this is the same SIL who left work and drove nine hours to the funeral of Corey Haim, the actor. A person she didn't even know, just admired. Yeah, but she couldn't come up and visit her nephew when he was in the NICU or when he had surgery, AND just HAD to have her mother come down at his surgery time when I could have really used her support (especially after Supergrammy PROMISED to be there), because her nanny was having some issues. This girl....*sigh*

As you can tell, we don't get along. We are very different in personality and beliefs, and while I respect that she has a different viewpoint, she cannot do the same. I get along with her husband okay, because he at least doesn't push his own agenda; but ugh.....I was excited when I married Bald Man that I would finally have a sister, but sadly it isn't fun or neat.

Feeling human again

I am not cut out to be a stay at home mama.

I have the utmost respect for those who can do it; even more for those who can juggle keeping the house clean and the kiddos content. Me, I have a hard time just getting the energy to get dressed some days. To be fair, I have been ill and mostly housebound, but still. I miss being able to walk out my door and down the street on the sidewalk to a park or a running track to jog, or to a store, or even to be able to rely on city transit to save money.

The Bald man FINALLY got a good job, pending a background check and TB test (medical support technician), with the VA, so our money issues are hopefully going to be seriously less severe, but when you don't drive and you live in the middle of nowhere, money doesn't do a whole hell of a lot. Luckily, I am working on getting my license and we do plan on getting a second vehicle, so I can travel around with little man as needed. I miss being able to get around alone!

I guess what I miss most is a city environment in general. I miss being able to go to a 24 hour store if needed, or being able to catch a bus every half an hour or so, etc. If only I could convince Bald Man that a city may be an option. We talked about our options after getting to Albany for his background check and TB test, and while a city is out of the question, we are talking about moving further south, closer to his work place, and close to the freeway. He won't consider Plattsburgh (although I don't consider THAT a city anyway...), but anything south of this evil hellhole is better than nothing!! I wish he'd consider Albany, but that would only be an option after I finish my master's and hopefully get a job at the VA...and even then, he's bound and determined to buy his grandmother's old property about 20 minutes away from Albany. Not my favorite place in the world even though the view is great. Still, it would be better than here. What am I saying....ANY place is better than here. Maybe it'd be different if we lived in the village proper, where there are at least sidewalks to walk on safely, maybe not....but after a trip to Albany I know what I do miss.

Indian sovereignty

Yes, this deviates from the usual mommy stuff, but it's big in the news up here and I've been thinking a lot about this.
If you don't know about the Iroquois Lacrosse team issues, here's a link to tell you more about the issue Iroquois Lacrosse issue, but to cut to the chase: the team from the Iroquois Nation was invited to compete in an international competition. The US Initially refused to honor their Iroquois nation passports and would deny them re-entry into the US on the way home, which led the UK to deny them visitor visas. As such, they could not compete in a competition in a sport that they invented thousands of years ago!

This all boiled down to recognizing the Iroquois Nation as a sovereign nation with recognition for their documents that equal passports. While I understand that the US and Canada have both offered to issue passports to the Iroquois people, the Iroquois are recognized as being separate from both countries, especially since both countries have reservations along the border.
Do I understand the need for more security for both nations, and more technologically advanced passports? Yes. However, I also feel that there could have been an alternative presented to help the Iroquois nation preserve their rights and freedoms as a sovereignty and keep up with security advances.
Why not have the security administration work with a liaison for the Iroquois nation in creating new passports that recognize the sovereignty status and still have the security encryptions needed for travel in the world. While it may be seen as some as an invasion of the Government to try and take over the Iroquois, perhaps there is a way to show how it can preserve the sovereignty status.

Maybe I'm naive, but it just seems like a lot of Sturm und Drang over something that can easily be rectified.