My hormones are all over the place. The doctor and I finally caught each other at the same time on the phone (we've been playing phone tag for over a week now), and while I can't be in the study for PCOS and conception because of the bicornuate (which sucks, but he's interested in), the tests show that the PCOS is rearing its ugly head. My testosterone levels and another hormone are VERY VERY high (explains the anger and rage issues lately! and the extra hair on my arms and face), and my FSH is LOW.
It means Clomid will be prescribed when I go in for my yearly exam next week. I'm sure he'll be wanting to get an ultrasound of the bicornuate, too. Not something you see every day.
Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
So angry
Baldman is home from the hospital. For those who don't know, he checked himself into the psych ward of the VA hospital after losing his job (he was fired). He was depressed and angry and so down that he did the right thing, but I am still very ANGRY.
Why, one might ask? Because I was left to take care of everything else here, and could only do so much with him gone. SuperGrammy was a huge help, especially with Monkey Child, but I feel like he abandoned me. He says he's better, and he's happier, but I'm not.
He left me to try to explain to our two year old why daddy wasn't there to put him to bed. He left me to handle all the bills, springing one on me that I am SO ANGRY about that I can hardly speak (at a jewelry store). He left me to handle everything on my own; which, while I end up doing most everything anyway, was so angering and frustrating that I don't know if I can truly get over it. He left me to explain to his mother that he had been in the psych ward before, and left her to help me when she has so much on her plate already to help her mother (who is 87 and still living on her own).
It's like he was running away from his problems; I know in my head he was doing the right thing and getting the help he needed while in Albany, and maybe in time he'll learn how to better cope with his depression; that would certainly be a help to me, because when his gets worse I end up having to be the solid and steady one in the house, just like I always have been in my life.
Sometimes I am tired of being the sturdy one.
Why, one might ask? Because I was left to take care of everything else here, and could only do so much with him gone. SuperGrammy was a huge help, especially with Monkey Child, but I feel like he abandoned me. He says he's better, and he's happier, but I'm not.
He left me to try to explain to our two year old why daddy wasn't there to put him to bed. He left me to handle all the bills, springing one on me that I am SO ANGRY about that I can hardly speak (at a jewelry store). He left me to handle everything on my own; which, while I end up doing most everything anyway, was so angering and frustrating that I don't know if I can truly get over it. He left me to explain to his mother that he had been in the psych ward before, and left her to help me when she has so much on her plate already to help her mother (who is 87 and still living on her own).
It's like he was running away from his problems; I know in my head he was doing the right thing and getting the help he needed while in Albany, and maybe in time he'll learn how to better cope with his depression; that would certainly be a help to me, because when his gets worse I end up having to be the solid and steady one in the house, just like I always have been in my life.
Sometimes I am tired of being the sturdy one.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Latest on BIL saga
If you read my last blog, you know that my BIL said he wanted to shoot me in the head if he ever saw me again. Well, something that Baldman said may or may not have gotten through, because he called SuperGrammy and supposedly sounded contrite and repentant.
However, I don't necessarily believe him. The reason is simple. He told supergrammy that he would apologize to me and to Baldman if I apologized to the SIL (his and baldman's sister, who I have vented about before) for what went down in December. He said he had no way to contact us, but he has our phone numbers and our email addresses, so either he's lying to SuperGrammy or he's just wanting us to make the first move so he can feel like the bigger man.
I'm sorry, what are we, TWELVE? Come on. I have nothing to apologize for. And to be fair, neither does she; she has her opinion and I have mine. We are entitled to them and we don't have to like each other. I didn't say anything negative to her or to her family save for Baldman and on here where no names are used and she is unlikely to see it. I tolerated the name calling and the insults, I put up with the mistreatment and smacktalking for years. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I don't need the stress and I don't want to expose my son to that.
If he's truly contrite, then he knows my number. I don't blame him for stick up for his sister (I would do the same for my brothers, although with less violent terms and behaviours), but I do take issue with him doing it behind my back and to people who know me better than he does and actually care about me.
With this and the Baldman not telling his siblings how he feels about their treatment, I feel like I married into a family of twelve year old siblings. They don't know how to communicate and in the case of BaldMan don't bother to even try anymore.
However, I don't necessarily believe him. The reason is simple. He told supergrammy that he would apologize to me and to Baldman if I apologized to the SIL (his and baldman's sister, who I have vented about before) for what went down in December. He said he had no way to contact us, but he has our phone numbers and our email addresses, so either he's lying to SuperGrammy or he's just wanting us to make the first move so he can feel like the bigger man.
I'm sorry, what are we, TWELVE? Come on. I have nothing to apologize for. And to be fair, neither does she; she has her opinion and I have mine. We are entitled to them and we don't have to like each other. I didn't say anything negative to her or to her family save for Baldman and on here where no names are used and she is unlikely to see it. I tolerated the name calling and the insults, I put up with the mistreatment and smacktalking for years. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I don't need the stress and I don't want to expose my son to that.
If he's truly contrite, then he knows my number. I don't blame him for stick up for his sister (I would do the same for my brothers, although with less violent terms and behaviours), but I do take issue with him doing it behind my back and to people who know me better than he does and actually care about me.
With this and the Baldman not telling his siblings how he feels about their treatment, I feel like I married into a family of twelve year old siblings. They don't know how to communicate and in the case of BaldMan don't bother to even try anymore.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
How can anyone...
...say, even jokingly, that they would put a bullet in someone's head when talking shit about them?
My brother in law was up visiting his friend for an annual birthday drinking binge and went to visit our cousins while up here. I don't think he knew how much we see them, and was bitching about me and all the shit that happened between his sister and I, and said that if he ever saw me again he was going to put a bullet in my head for all the shit that went down. The cousins stood up for me, and told him off. That was the first time anyone stood up for me. My own husband wouldn't stand up for me on the shit that went down before to either one. This time he emailed him via facebook supposedly to tell him off, but it still feels like too little too late, know what I mean? Maybe I'm more emotional right now because of the Provera to stop the bleeding, which makes sense, but it hurts
I'm lucky that this jerk lives eight hours away and only comes up once a year. I'm sorry, after what happened with the congresswoman in Arizona (who he hated but I totally respected), how can ANYONE say something like this? Even jokingly?
I cannot believe this guy, his sister and my husband are related. I cannot believe that my husband's parents are the parents to these two; my in laws are wonderful and so nice and we get along well.
My brother in law was up visiting his friend for an annual birthday drinking binge and went to visit our cousins while up here. I don't think he knew how much we see them, and was bitching about me and all the shit that happened between his sister and I, and said that if he ever saw me again he was going to put a bullet in my head for all the shit that went down. The cousins stood up for me, and told him off. That was the first time anyone stood up for me. My own husband wouldn't stand up for me on the shit that went down before to either one. This time he emailed him via facebook supposedly to tell him off, but it still feels like too little too late, know what I mean? Maybe I'm more emotional right now because of the Provera to stop the bleeding, which makes sense, but it hurts
I'm lucky that this jerk lives eight hours away and only comes up once a year. I'm sorry, after what happened with the congresswoman in Arizona (who he hated but I totally respected), how can ANYONE say something like this? Even jokingly?
I cannot believe this guy, his sister and my husband are related. I cannot believe that my husband's parents are the parents to these two; my in laws are wonderful and so nice and we get along well.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Going to get on the fertility drug train...
We decided since our insurance will cover the fertility drugs, we're going to try that. Not looking forward to the mood swings that are likely to come about, but it could be worse. This is the last step I'm willing to take. If it doesn't work, we'll adopt eventually.
In other news, we're flooding in our yard. Seriously, the river is in my yard.
This is before they broke up the ice jam. It's higher now but I have to charge my camera battery.
In other news, we're flooding in our yard. Seriously, the river is in my yard.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
No luck at all....next steps
So I've been bleeding for 12 days now. Yeah, TWELVE days. I called my doctor and they said that it's the sign that means I haven't been ovulating. F***ing hell.
This means that I have to take medication to stop the bleeding (which I have taken before), and then start taking fertility meds to make me ovulate.
I don't know how I feel about that, besides sad. I wanted to get pregnant without meds, but I know how difficult that will be (I don't want to wait another seven years for a child), so I guess if we're going to have baby number 2 I have to do this.
Baldman and I have a deal: we won't do IVF, which is what the next step would be if the fertility drugs don't work. It costs too much and if we had to use a surrogate there is no one I would want to do that. There has been an offer from a family member, but there is no way I would want that to happen with that person.
I really want to adopt if this doesn't work; Baldman is still not for it completely, but maybe this will change things.....I mean, the fertility meds are supposed to make people a little crazy, so what would he prefer, a crazy wife or a (not quite) normal wife?
This means that I have to take medication to stop the bleeding (which I have taken before), and then start taking fertility meds to make me ovulate.
I don't know how I feel about that, besides sad. I wanted to get pregnant without meds, but I know how difficult that will be (I don't want to wait another seven years for a child), so I guess if we're going to have baby number 2 I have to do this.
Baldman and I have a deal: we won't do IVF, which is what the next step would be if the fertility drugs don't work. It costs too much and if we had to use a surrogate there is no one I would want to do that. There has been an offer from a family member, but there is no way I would want that to happen with that person.
I really want to adopt if this doesn't work; Baldman is still not for it completely, but maybe this will change things.....I mean, the fertility meds are supposed to make people a little crazy, so what would he prefer, a crazy wife or a (not quite) normal wife?
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
No more school, no more guilt
Convinced the Baldman that school needs to be on the back burner and he agreed. He also was okay with me getting into Pampered Chef, which is awesome.
I've been waiting for the guilt to come, but other than a little in the beginning of making this decision, I don't feel sorry or any real guilt. Between Monkey Child needing more and more attention and Baldman's physical limitations getting worse this is the best thing I could have done. Last night I slept well for the first time in months. I've been able to get mostly caught up on housework and have been able to give Monkey Child the extra one on one time he's been wanting lately.
In other news, no luck on the babymaking front, but I'm thinking once warmer weather hits and Baldman's knees and back stop bugging him so much, it'll be easier to get into that babymaking mood. ;-)
I've been waiting for the guilt to come, but other than a little in the beginning of making this decision, I don't feel sorry or any real guilt. Between Monkey Child needing more and more attention and Baldman's physical limitations getting worse this is the best thing I could have done. Last night I slept well for the first time in months. I've been able to get mostly caught up on housework and have been able to give Monkey Child the extra one on one time he's been wanting lately.
In other news, no luck on the babymaking front, but I'm thinking once warmer weather hits and Baldman's knees and back stop bugging him so much, it'll be easier to get into that babymaking mood. ;-)
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