I finally got my yearly exam with the new doctor. I really liked her; she actually listened to me and treated me with respect. Got the exam part over quickly with a minimum of discomfort.
We discussed the PCOS and she put me back on my normal dose of Metformin and Birth Control Pills to help keep hormone levels in balance. She also put me in for a quick ultrasound to check for cysts and to see how bad the bicornuate uterus was, since the old doctor's office never noted the severity of the septum. Turns out that it is SEVERE. As she put it, I was lucky to make it to 34 weeks in pregnancy with Monkey Child, especially with having been admitted once with contractions at 26 weeks from the stomach flu.
While there is surgery to correct the bicornuate, it is not a common surgery; it turns out that it causes more problems than solutions in regards to fertility. Having one more child is technically an option, but it would require strict bed rest (until the lungs are developed enough for survival out of the womb), which is NOT an option at all at any time, even down the line when Monkey Child is in school. Super Gammy is not reliable for help, as she recently proved by not coming home from Philly as asked by her husband when our latest crisis with the car and oven occurred (and forgetting that she was supposed to babysit today...).
I've talked it over with the Bald Man, and he finally agreed that Monkey Child is going to be our only. While it does make me sad, I'm also relieved that I don't have to deal with the stresses that come with a high risk pregnancy again. I would have liked to have had another baby, but when the risks to my health and the health of an unborn child are as high as they are, I don't think it's the smart move.
I wish I had the right words to say to you. The only thing I can think of is to tell you I raised an only child, and I think she's remarkable. She's not spoiled as people sometimes think of only children. In fact, she's amazing. Having one child gave me the chance to really focus on my career AND be a great mom. I don't think I personally could have done that with more than one, although others often do. I only know what was right for me.
ReplyDeleteMy belief is that we are each given things that we have to overcome or face head on. What is easy for me, will not be easy for you. What is easy for you, will not be easy for me. Why this is one of your things to deal with in life....I don't know. I hurt for you. And yet I feel you have so much to offer many children....it's just that they may not be of your blood. And that may be the gift in this. What you, an amazing, remarkable woman in your own right, have to give to many others.
I will freely admit that I sometimes wish I had more than one child. My daughter is the strong, independent woman I raised her to be. Which means I get one or two phone calls a week that last about a half hour lol. I was born to be a mom. And she was born to have her wings and fly. She also has a very demanding job and two small children. I remember those days and how talking to my mom was sometimes just something I had on my "to do" list. And now I have the joy (and heartbreak) of talking to my mom every single day. What I'm trying to say is that if I had more than one child, then I would not have met the fantastic women my daughter's age that have often become like another daughter, or at least a niece, to me. My daughter will always be number one, but the young women I have met along the way are pretty much still with me and matter a GREAT deal. If I had them all over for Christmas dinner, I would have to rent the firehall lol I love them all, and that includes you.
So after all of that babbling, I want to say that I wish I could hug you, let you cry on my shoulder, gently pat you on the back and murmur nonsense words like "there, there." And then, as we do with small children, we kiss the hurt, and then send then on their way to find their way.
You will find your way....your balance. You will also find that the hurt within you heals, and you will move on and find your way from there. Look at all you have accomplished and all you have done for children with disabilities. Look at what all you can do with your future. Today isn't forever. It's just for today. It will hurt less tomorrow and next week and next year. In the meantime, Monkey Child is going to keep you super busy, as will Bald Man (love those names!). And don't forget you. You don't have anything to prove to anyone. So if you find yourself being swept away with a good book and a few too many chocolates, just remember, you earned that time. And then keep on plugging away. We evolve through the years, just like hairstyles. :-) We'll have some really crappy hairstyles, and we'll have some fantastic hairstyles. But at the time, when we get that hairstyle, it will fit us perfectly.
God, I hope all that made sense! I'm here for you if you need me. I just wish you were close enough that I could babysit. The Canadian border? Really? lol
Love you!
I think what Deb said made lots of sense. :)
ReplyDeleteSometimes in life, shit just happens that doesn't make sense, but maybe further down the line you understand there was a reason for it and take comfort in that.
My older sister has severe PCOS and has been trying unsuccessfully for 15 years to have a baby. She's spent thousands of dollars, had several miscarriages, ended up in hospital over 8 times, and tried 5 different, radical treatments. It's hard for her to accept that she's never going to have a birth child, because that's pretty much all she dreamed about since she was a little girl.
However, because she wasn't able to give birth, she chose to adopt instead. Now she has one daughter, and that little girl is her whole life. We all adore my niece and we couldn't imagine our family without her - but we would be without her if my sister had been able to conceive naturally. And she would be without us, probably still all alone in an orphanage in Vietnam somewhere.
So yes, it sucks majorly, for you and my sister. And my heart goes out to you, I wish there was a way they could fix this and you could have twenty kids. (well maybe not twenty... that's a lot of diapers) But you have one, and he's a cutie! And maybe God's Master Plan was just giving you this one little boy this time around, because that's what's best for him and you.
((hugs))
Look on the bright side - with tv as crappy as it's becoming nowadays, bed rest would be more boring than ever. :D