Most of you know I am not into Christmas; when I was sixteen my mom woke up Christmas morning and told my dad she wanted a divorce because she met a man on the internet....and because our walls were thin and the heating ducts carry sound well, I found out that day too. Yeah, great way to kill the Christmas spirit.
We're trying to get more into the spirit of it for the holidays for the little man, but I'm just not feeling it. I'd rather be out giving back than receiving, but that isn't happening this year. Maybe when he's older.
I swear the month of December is just BAD for us. A few years I had family members die (they all seem to want to pass on in December), one year was a disaster trip to my evil SIL's house. All but one of my miscarriages have happened in the month of December. two years ago Sean drove our old van off the highway and totaled it. This year, probably the scariest: was in a car accident yesterday where we hit a patch of ice and spun off the highway about 30 feet down a ravine. the baby was safe and secure in his car seat (the EMTs and everyone were surprised how well his carseat was installed...should I have told them they taught my DH and I well?), and SuperGrammy and I are just sore (her from tensing up trying to control the spin, me from being thrown against the passenger door while spinning), and her car only has a crack in the bumper, but I am seriously just done with the month of December. They told us we were lucky we didn't flip, but it sure felt like we did....
Is there any way to just get put into a temporary coma to get through the month of December? Staying busy sure doesn't seem to help.....
Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
Friday, December 24, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Weighing the options
I've been feeling baby envy.
I know, I know, it's normal and healthy as your child gets older, but here's the thing: I really want a girl.
I know boys, I grew up with boys and raised boys. But there has always been this need or feeling to have a little girl. I want the chance to dress someone into cute little dresses (without my kid needing therapy for it!), and someone to, I don't know, balance the hormones in this house; right now it's dripping with testosterone.
I love my son, I really do, and I am grateful we had a boy first, but I still wish I had a little girl too.
So I think I've made my decision: if it's possible, we will try for one more child. It's not a guarantee that we'll have a girl, and we have an appointment with the specialists in the beginning of January to see if:
A: it's even an option, and
B: how long bedrest is likely to be...
And it turns out that the specialist I go see in Vermont is also doing a study on PCOS and how to get and stay pregnant. I don't know if I'll be allowed to get in on the study, because of the bicornuate thing, but if I can, it would be nice to get all of that care at a GOOD hospital for free!
I know, I know, it's normal and healthy as your child gets older, but here's the thing: I really want a girl.
I know boys, I grew up with boys and raised boys. But there has always been this need or feeling to have a little girl. I want the chance to dress someone into cute little dresses (without my kid needing therapy for it!), and someone to, I don't know, balance the hormones in this house; right now it's dripping with testosterone.
I love my son, I really do, and I am grateful we had a boy first, but I still wish I had a little girl too.
So I think I've made my decision: if it's possible, we will try for one more child. It's not a guarantee that we'll have a girl, and we have an appointment with the specialists in the beginning of January to see if:
A: it's even an option, and
B: how long bedrest is likely to be...
And it turns out that the specialist I go see in Vermont is also doing a study on PCOS and how to get and stay pregnant. I don't know if I'll be allowed to get in on the study, because of the bicornuate thing, but if I can, it would be nice to get all of that care at a GOOD hospital for free!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
What went down
Those of you who follow me on Facebook may have noticed that some stuff went down between my sister in law and myself. It's been a long build up and finally just had to spew for the sake of my sanity, but here goes:
She made a bad joke (supposedly a joke, according to her) about not understanding why I feel as old as I do. I did not see it as a joke, and I never do from people who know what we went through raising Booger Child and such (anyone who knows me at all knows NEVER to joke about that). She has said in the past that we have no idea what it is like to raise teenagers; has treated Baldman like her "dorky baby brother", even though they are all over the age of thirty and are supposedly adults, and tries to say that he's not disabled, and does everything to keep him (and me) in a less superior position than herself. She has claimed that I have less life experience than her, and so much other shyte that I blew up. She tried claiming I am trying to take over her position as the daughter from her parents (HAHAHA, not going to happen in a million years; she is always their priority, and I made sure to tell her that....)
After I moved everything to private message, because frankly it was pointless to keep the argument public, she accused me of trying to humiliate her on Facebook; we don't share any of the same friends except for family, and none of them gave a damn.
I tried to stay level headed; I did not use negative terms, I did not call her names (although I sorely wanted to); I simply pointed out that she and I had different views on life and how life experiences shape us and that we are unlikely to ever see eye to eye. I tried to reassure her that I would never try to take her position in her family, and that her parents love her and she is their priority (often above us, especially when her nanny got committed two days before Monkey Child's surgery and Supergrammy went to be with her even though she had already promised to be with me during the surgery). All of this was futile; she was even ruder and was acting more and more like a spoiled brat; she claimed I was the one with the issues and that I needed help; not realizing that I do get help for the issues I have, and will always be getting help because I know how important it is to keep working on those 12 steps for ACOA. I never said I didn't have issues, because I know I do. I'm working on my issues.
Since it is unlikely that she will ever see this, because she is rather self-involved and doesn't give a damn about anyone but herself unless they wound her pride and then she gets bitchy, I'm going to say all of the negative things on here that I didn't say before:
SIL, you are a spoiled, immature, ego-centric brat. You treat your brother like shit, and have no respect for anyone who is younger than you unless they kiss your ass. You do not see that just because a person is younger they can have life experience and that it is not about less or more life experience, it is about the lessons you take from those experiences. You are intolerant, ignorant, and unless you get your head out of your ass and realize that the world does not revolve around you, you will never be truly happy with yourself or with the others in your life. While your kids may be smart, they are being raised to be ignorant and intolerant of other races, religions, and orientations, which when they hit the real world will bite them in the ass unless they are kept sheltered the rest of their life.
You may be older than I am, but you do not act like an adult. You act like a teenager, which is probably why I talked to you like one (as you so accused me of). I never tried to analyze you like a psychologist would, because that's just not what you do with family; but if I were to do so from the way you wrote to me and from your behavior to me and to your family, I would say you have some serious issues that likely point to a personality disorder.
Grow up and get over yourself; You've ruined any chance of a friendship or relationship other than by law with me, and your brother will be letting you know how he feels about you after the holidays; no sense ruining your family's holidays by getting you into a bad mood. It's a shame you won't get to know your nephew, or any other child we might have if we decide to try again, but then again that's probably for the best. You don't want to know us anyway; if you did, I wouldn't have to always be the one to initiate contact. Don't worry, I will not make that mistake again. All contact or ties to you, your husband, or your children or BFF have been severed, and will stay that way. I kept your parents out of it, except to mention to your mom that she might want to reassure you that your "position in the family" is safe, because if I had those feelings, I would have wanted my parents to reassure me. I even mentioned to your mom that if it were possible to get down to you for Christmas, or for the kids with winter birthdays' celebrations, she should, just so you can feel secure. Unlike you, I care about how other people feel, and if someone feels that insecure, I would go out of my way to help them feel secure. I did it for my brother, and I did it for you because no matter how badly you treat me, you are my sister in law, and I do, or rather did, care about you and your family. Shame you're too much of a selfish bitch to see that.
*sigh* That feels much better. She may never see it, but it's nice to let it out so I can let go and move on.
She made a bad joke (supposedly a joke, according to her) about not understanding why I feel as old as I do. I did not see it as a joke, and I never do from people who know what we went through raising Booger Child and such (anyone who knows me at all knows NEVER to joke about that). She has said in the past that we have no idea what it is like to raise teenagers; has treated Baldman like her "dorky baby brother", even though they are all over the age of thirty and are supposedly adults, and tries to say that he's not disabled, and does everything to keep him (and me) in a less superior position than herself. She has claimed that I have less life experience than her, and so much other shyte that I blew up. She tried claiming I am trying to take over her position as the daughter from her parents (HAHAHA, not going to happen in a million years; she is always their priority, and I made sure to tell her that....)
After I moved everything to private message, because frankly it was pointless to keep the argument public, she accused me of trying to humiliate her on Facebook; we don't share any of the same friends except for family, and none of them gave a damn.
I tried to stay level headed; I did not use negative terms, I did not call her names (although I sorely wanted to); I simply pointed out that she and I had different views on life and how life experiences shape us and that we are unlikely to ever see eye to eye. I tried to reassure her that I would never try to take her position in her family, and that her parents love her and she is their priority (often above us, especially when her nanny got committed two days before Monkey Child's surgery and Supergrammy went to be with her even though she had already promised to be with me during the surgery). All of this was futile; she was even ruder and was acting more and more like a spoiled brat; she claimed I was the one with the issues and that I needed help; not realizing that I do get help for the issues I have, and will always be getting help because I know how important it is to keep working on those 12 steps for ACOA. I never said I didn't have issues, because I know I do. I'm working on my issues.
Since it is unlikely that she will ever see this, because she is rather self-involved and doesn't give a damn about anyone but herself unless they wound her pride and then she gets bitchy, I'm going to say all of the negative things on here that I didn't say before:
SIL, you are a spoiled, immature, ego-centric brat. You treat your brother like shit, and have no respect for anyone who is younger than you unless they kiss your ass. You do not see that just because a person is younger they can have life experience and that it is not about less or more life experience, it is about the lessons you take from those experiences. You are intolerant, ignorant, and unless you get your head out of your ass and realize that the world does not revolve around you, you will never be truly happy with yourself or with the others in your life. While your kids may be smart, they are being raised to be ignorant and intolerant of other races, religions, and orientations, which when they hit the real world will bite them in the ass unless they are kept sheltered the rest of their life.
You may be older than I am, but you do not act like an adult. You act like a teenager, which is probably why I talked to you like one (as you so accused me of). I never tried to analyze you like a psychologist would, because that's just not what you do with family; but if I were to do so from the way you wrote to me and from your behavior to me and to your family, I would say you have some serious issues that likely point to a personality disorder.
Grow up and get over yourself; You've ruined any chance of a friendship or relationship other than by law with me, and your brother will be letting you know how he feels about you after the holidays; no sense ruining your family's holidays by getting you into a bad mood. It's a shame you won't get to know your nephew, or any other child we might have if we decide to try again, but then again that's probably for the best. You don't want to know us anyway; if you did, I wouldn't have to always be the one to initiate contact. Don't worry, I will not make that mistake again. All contact or ties to you, your husband, or your children or BFF have been severed, and will stay that way. I kept your parents out of it, except to mention to your mom that she might want to reassure you that your "position in the family" is safe, because if I had those feelings, I would have wanted my parents to reassure me. I even mentioned to your mom that if it were possible to get down to you for Christmas, or for the kids with winter birthdays' celebrations, she should, just so you can feel secure. Unlike you, I care about how other people feel, and if someone feels that insecure, I would go out of my way to help them feel secure. I did it for my brother, and I did it for you because no matter how badly you treat me, you are my sister in law, and I do, or rather did, care about you and your family. Shame you're too much of a selfish bitch to see that.
*sigh* That feels much better. She may never see it, but it's nice to let it out so I can let go and move on.
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