Lilypie Third Birthday tickers

Lilypie Third Birthday tickers

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Five rounds later....

...and no pregnancy.

Seems that five rounds of fertility treatments didn't do it. I ovulated each time, it's just a matter of the timing not working, I guess.
I am upset, a little, but mainly at Baldman for not holding up his end of the bargain. He was supposed to stick to the schedule, and he just wouldn't commit. It's become a bone of contention with us, and my anger and resentment are still there, no matter how hard I try to let it go.
So I put my body through hell for nothing. The side effects were hell, especially the mood swings and the cramping midcycle, but I would have been happy about it had they produced a child in the end.....
I guess it's going to be just the one for us. I am depressed a little by that, especially when I see 19-24 year old people getting pregnant without trying to and having babies all around us when we want a baby but can't seem to.
I guess I'll need to find another outlet for my energy. Monkeychild takes a lot, for sure, but I have so much love to give and nowhere else to spread it.
I'll be honest, the need to show love and give love to something that I hope loves me back unconditionally is deeper than I thought going into all this. I just don't feel wanted or loved by my own family; I am the one they turn to for fixing things, or mediating things, or to give them a shoulder to cry on, but when I need the same thing, where is my shoulder? Where is my personal fixer? Nope, nowhere to be found.
My parents are often so self-involved that unless it's something involving them they really don't care. My mom, well, we know why that is, and now that boundaries have been established and she's starting to respect them it's easier. My dad, he talks a big game, but for someone who wants to supposedly make amends like AA tells him to he's not putting forth the effort to meet his grandson or come for a visit to at least see two of his children face to face. My brother Soldier Boy barely acknowledges my existence, if only because his wife is trying to build a friendship with me; he has friends who he considers more like his brother and sisters than his own flesh and blood. Ironically, he is also the sibling of the three of us who is most like our parents and is their prodigal son. As soon as he got stateside, all phone calls and emails from them to me ceased. I get that he was coming back form a war zone and they wanted to spend time with him because they hadn't seen him in eight months, but considering my dad hasn't seen me in six and a half years it kind of hurts to be cut off from everything, especially considering how much I had to hear both sides complain about each other.

I just want love and attention for a change. I want to know that I am wanted, respected, and cared about. My son gives me that love, although he's sometimes too clingy when he's sick (understandable), and I wanted to have another child who loves me as much as I would love them, as much as I love my son and he loves me.

1 comment:

  1. I am sooo very sorry to hear that it didn't work out! :( I was really hoping to hear some good news on that fifth cycle!