writing breakthrough

so while I am still trying to get the novel(s) written, I have ideas as to maybe getting some looser ideas together into a book, sort of a collection of short stories. I'm just not sure if I should make it a mix of the mainstream ramblings of thought, or throw in the more....shall we say, graphic stories as well, or do a separate book of the graphic stuff. I guess for now, I'll just stick to writing what I can get on paper and go from there.

Study Follow up and Socks

So I went to my follow up appointment today with my RE in burlington, and he was awesome, as usual. We had figured out which drug I was on in the study because of the side effects, and he explained that the results that happened were common in the study (I won't tell numbers so that those who read this from the study don't lose hope.). He gave us options, and when we explained that we wanted to take a break for a while and work on treating the PCOS symptoms, he was happy too, saying that it gives him enough time to finish with the last set of participants and he'll have better results to give us the best chances of conceiving again if we so choose. So now I'm back on the BCP and the Metformin, which gives me some hope that I can lose some weight because just diet and exercise isn't cutting it. Dr. Casson is awesome. That's all I can say. First doctor I've had in a long time who listens, doesn't talk to me like I am a moron, and remembers who I am.

In knitting news, I finished my first pair of socks. I don't know if they count, since i did them on the Knifty Knitter blue loom because I had to take a break from the shawl, but they came out cool.

I knit them for Baldman's grandma, since I can't get the shawl done in time for Christmas. These will keep her feet warm in the home, I hope. I think I'll make another pair for my brother for his annual sock present, and if I have enough time a pair for his girlfriend. They only take about five hours to make, so I might be able to pull it off before Saturday.

at a crossroads

There comes a time in one's life where they have a decision to make. College or career, stay single or get married, kids or no kids. No matter what people do, they will always have choices to make.

Right now, I'm there. After five rounds of fertility drugs that made me a hormone casserole with no pregnancy as a result, a marriage that seems to be stagnating, and a toddler who is very needy and driving me bonkers, I have to decide what I want and need. I don't know anymore. I don't know if I want to put myself through the hormones again to have another child when my husband barely touches me, I don't know how much I want to go through the sleep deprivation that comes with another infant when I barely get four hours a night now because of terror toddler and his inability to sleep in his own bed (to the point that we're getting a new mattress and decided to get a king sized bed so that there is room for him when he crawls in). I don't even know if I want another child at all now; I don't enjoy being a parent all that much, and miss privacy and time to myself (such a rare commodity that I had to beg to put my son into daycare so that twice a week I could get time to actually get some sleep and maybe actually clean the house).

Maybe I just miss having some space. I don't get that. My husband, he gets space because twenty minutes after he gets home he retreats to our room to play on his damn xbox and I spend all my time playing with kiddo and trying to do everything around the house that he can't/won't do. I end up with severe hives trying to clean up the house after being exposed to mouse dander from the stupid mice that the traps didn't get and we had to put poison out to kill, and yet he says "oh, I'll do it" and then NEVER does it.

I'm just....I'm burned out. I seriously question why I am married anymore. Ever since he was in the hospital...I wonder what meds they put him on and if that's a factor in his drive. I'm not saying all I want is sex. I just, I want my husband, damn it. I want a partner. I don't have that anymore. We used to be a team, and now...now I feel like the lone adult in the house.

Before anyone says anything, leaving isn't an option. I made a promise, sickness and health, richer or poorer, etc; and mental illness is still illness.

work in progress

my work in progress knitting wise. I'm posting so that i can be held accountable for it! LOL need to keep on it and finish it! it sure is a distraction from the stress of the holidays and the lack of luck in the baby making department.