There comes a time in one's life where they have a decision to make. College or career, stay single or get married, kids or no kids. No matter what people do, they will always have choices to make.
Right now, I'm there. After five rounds of fertility drugs that made me a hormone casserole with no pregnancy as a result, a marriage that seems to be stagnating, and a toddler who is very needy and driving me bonkers, I have to decide what I want and need. I don't know anymore. I don't know if I want to put myself through the hormones again to have another child when my husband barely touches me, I don't know how much I want to go through the sleep deprivation that comes with another infant when I barely get four hours a night now because of terror toddler and his inability to sleep in his own bed (to the point that we're getting a new mattress and decided to get a king sized bed so that there is room for him when he crawls in). I don't even know if I want another child at all now; I don't enjoy being a parent all that much, and miss privacy and time to myself (such a rare commodity that I had to beg to put my son into daycare so that twice a week I could get time to actually get some sleep and maybe actually clean the house).
Maybe I just miss having some space. I don't get that. My husband, he gets space because twenty minutes after he gets home he retreats to our room to play on his damn xbox and I spend all my time playing with kiddo and trying to do everything around the house that he can't/won't do. I end up with severe hives trying to clean up the house after being exposed to mouse dander from the stupid mice that the traps didn't get and we had to put poison out to kill, and yet he says "oh, I'll do it" and then NEVER does it.
I'm just....I'm burned out. I seriously question why I am married anymore. Ever since he was in the hospital...I wonder what meds they put him on and if that's a factor in his drive. I'm not saying all I want is sex. I just, I want my husband, damn it. I want a partner. I don't have that anymore. We used to be a team, and now...now I feel like the lone adult in the house.
Before anyone says anything, leaving isn't an option. I made a promise, sickness and health, richer or poorer, etc; and mental illness is still illness.
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ReplyDeleteI made a comment and then deleted it. There are things that I'd like to say, but it's not my place. If you got an email with the original contents, I'm sorry. I should butt the hell out.
ReplyDeleteI should probably add that I do enjoy parenting most of the time, but the sleep deprivation is making me not enjoy it so much, especially when I'm dealing with nearly all of this on my own. If I could find a marriage counselor who isn't someone I went to school with, I'd schedule an appointment for us in a heartbeat.
ReplyDelete*sigh* I need a vacation. or DH and I need some alone time for a couple days. Figuring out how to do that is going to be the hard part.
And I don't get the comments emailed to me, but I may set it up so they do.
I have learned very quickly that infertility and treatments can take a toll on your marriage. Add high stress to our fuming hormones, and you're bound to have some arguments. And sex is no longer for enjoyment- suddenly even the husband calls it baby-making. I wish there was a day when I could be intimate with my husband without us wondering if it will get us pregnant or avoid it because we know next week will be a full week of marathon baby-making. Then, of course, with all of these emotions, we fail to enjoy the things we once did. I'm sure you love being a mom and having a family, but we all have our moments when we need to take a step away from everything. I hope that you get your break, and you can make the decision that is best for you. ((HUGS))
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