Five rounds later....

...and no pregnancy.

Seems that five rounds of fertility treatments didn't do it. I ovulated each time, it's just a matter of the timing not working, I guess.
I am upset, a little, but mainly at Baldman for not holding up his end of the bargain. He was supposed to stick to the schedule, and he just wouldn't commit. It's become a bone of contention with us, and my anger and resentment are still there, no matter how hard I try to let it go.
So I put my body through hell for nothing. The side effects were hell, especially the mood swings and the cramping midcycle, but I would have been happy about it had they produced a child in the end.....
I guess it's going to be just the one for us. I am depressed a little by that, especially when I see 19-24 year old people getting pregnant without trying to and having babies all around us when we want a baby but can't seem to.
I guess I'll need to find another outlet for my energy. Monkeychild takes a lot, for sure, but I have so much love to give and nowhere else to spread it.
I'll be honest, the need to show love and give love to something that I hope loves me back unconditionally is deeper than I thought going into all this. I just don't feel wanted or loved by my own family; I am the one they turn to for fixing things, or mediating things, or to give them a shoulder to cry on, but when I need the same thing, where is my shoulder? Where is my personal fixer? Nope, nowhere to be found.
My parents are often so self-involved that unless it's something involving them they really don't care. My mom, well, we know why that is, and now that boundaries have been established and she's starting to respect them it's easier. My dad, he talks a big game, but for someone who wants to supposedly make amends like AA tells him to he's not putting forth the effort to meet his grandson or come for a visit to at least see two of his children face to face. My brother Soldier Boy barely acknowledges my existence, if only because his wife is trying to build a friendship with me; he has friends who he considers more like his brother and sisters than his own flesh and blood. Ironically, he is also the sibling of the three of us who is most like our parents and is their prodigal son. As soon as he got stateside, all phone calls and emails from them to me ceased. I get that he was coming back form a war zone and they wanted to spend time with him because they hadn't seen him in eight months, but considering my dad hasn't seen me in six and a half years it kind of hurts to be cut off from everything, especially considering how much I had to hear both sides complain about each other.

I just want love and attention for a change. I want to know that I am wanted, respected, and cared about. My son gives me that love, although he's sometimes too clingy when he's sick (understandable), and I wanted to have another child who loves me as much as I would love them, as much as I love my son and he loves me.

I am a mom.

I am a mom.

I am a mom who believes in letting her child explore his world and question everything, no matter what the question is.

I am a mom who works hard to learn all sides to an argument, and form an educated opinion on an issue, whether it is a political, theological, or parenting issue.

I am a mom who accepts others as they are, and hopes that others can accept me as I am.

I am a mom who relies on what she can see, what she can hear, and what can be proven by scientific fact. I am a mom who understands that science is fluid and ever changing, and keeps her mind open to that process.

I am a mom, who questions authority, and sometimes wonders why others blindly accept what cannot be proved but I accept that others have different beliefs.

I am a mom who believes things happen for a reason, and it is not necessarily from a higher power or being. Things can usually be explained by science or reason or logic.

I am a mom who doesn’t ask people to change their belief systems; I am a mom that hopes that people who believe in the Golden rule of loving thy neighbor and treating others the way that they want to be treated can put it into practice and accept that everyone is different and be tolerant, if not accepting.

I am a mom who decided to become educated in theology and learn about all faiths before making the decision to become a humanist. This does not mean I do not think all religious people are uneducated; on the contrary, some of the most educated people I know are religious. They also happen to be the most tolerant people of all. While they wish I shared in their beliefs, they also know not to push the issue.

I am a mom.

On to Round Four

No luck AGAIN.

I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. The side effects from whatever drug they put me on are awful, and while they are making me ovulate, nothing is taking. I get the bad headaches that blur my vision, then the horrid joint pain and cramping when I do ovulate, which makes me less likely to want to work on this lovely project, and it's not like I can rely on the Baldman to help out around the house or with little man, so I end up working through the pain.
However, I did get the Baldman to agree to put MonkeyChild into daycare two days a week, for my sanity and to help kiddo get used to playing with other kids his own age. First day went awesome, so here's hoping that the time to get some rest will be beneficial. Between monkeychild crawling in with us at night and the baldman's snoring/cpap machine, I get about 2 hours a night of sleep. In the past 72 hours, I've had about 7 hours of sleep. Needless to say, tomorrow when the boys leave for school/daycare, I will be crashing and crashing HARD.

He's getting to be a big boy!!

Monkeychild did something good!!! We've been trying to work on potty training but he's always telling us after he's wet, not before. Well, this time he told us he needed to poop and we ran back when we realized he hadn't done his business yet, sat him on the toilet, and he did it!

it's baby dance time

send some luck our way this month. We're hoping that third round is a charm!!

Writer's Block AGAIN

Son of a bitch.

I finally have a great idea, and get the idea down into the computer for my stories that I am writing, but once I get the idea on paper I got nowhere else. I just....damn it! I've been trying to get writing done and I just can't get anything out. Nothing about my story, anyway. All I've been able to do is tweak characteristics and character names, maybe a little about the place.

For those interested, it's about a FBI profiler who wins a huge Powerball jackpot and decides to leave the FBI and move home. Jaded by all the negativity she saw while working for the FBI, she decides to use the money to open a community center with the help of an old high school crush. the series starts with their story and how they get together, the next book involves one of her sisters, who has a horrible husband leave her with two small kids, and her rebuilding of her life with a possible new love interest. The third is their other sister, a widow from the war on terror who is becoming an architect and butts heads with the Village mayor about the revitalization of the village with all the small businesses opening up after the community center classes. Through all of them is their older brother, who looks out for them all and is caring but not so good at showing it. There will be more stories after it, probably, but the overall theme is how a town is learning to rebuild in an economy where the small town lifestyle is usually a dying breed. The first heroine is the one who gets the ball rolling by proposing a small business course at the community center, where people can learn to start something new and vital to a town and creating grants from her money to help some get started with strict guidelines on how to qualify.

Building Bridges

Sister in law took a step in building a bridge. After Grandma's party and the chewing out one of the adult cousins gave all the adults after I left, she bought me some flowers and put a card by my door. She was thanking me for all the work I did for Grandma's party, and that she was sorry for her part in our failed relationship, and that she hopes someday we can have some type of relationship and that she wishes me no ill will and wishes me well.

Since she took the step and that's a big thing for her, I wrote her back (had to mail it because she left for home this morning), and this is what I said:

Dear (sis in law's name),

Thank you.

I am sorry for the events that led to our fractured relationship. It was important for both of us to air our grievances in order for us to move forward and try to build any sort of relationship. You had concern about my relationship with your parents, and I was concerned about your treatment of your brother. We both had different perspectives and that’s okay. It is how the world works; just like it’s the nature of brothers to protect their sisters by saying they wanted to shoot their sister in law in the head (I get why (brother in law) felt that way and while the threat of death in front of (Cousin)’s girls was alarming, I get it. My brothers do the same thing with me and I expected nothing less from your brother in protecting you). For what it’s worth, I chewed out (Baldman) about his treatment of you as well, because he was acting like a brat toward you while we were there (if you’ve ever seen NCIS, think of Mark Harmon smacking his team upside the head for acting like idiots, only while driving home from our last visit).

And thank you for acknowledging the work on your grandma’s party. I really appreciate how much you and (her husband) helped as well. Your mom and grandma needed a day like that with all their family around. I’ve gotten used to not being included. It was made clear to me that I am not truly family and that I do not fit in, so I was expecting to be left out; if it hadn’t been for the fact that the party was for your grandma and to thank your mom for taking such good care of her, I would have cancelled my contributions to the party and found something else to do for them on my own time. As it was, I figured it would be easier if I stayed in the kitchen or taking care of the food and clean up so that those who are considered family could enjoy their time with grandma; that way, no drama would taint her party any more than it already had behind the scenes. I didn’t expect to be appreciated, except for by your mom and grandma who thanked me already; since the party was for them, that’s all that really mattered. It still hurts that the family up here couldn’t be bothered to return phone calls or even bother communicating about putting the party together, especially since it was based on their idea of a reunion that never got planned, but I’ve come to expect it. It sucks, but nothing can be done to change who they are, only the way I handle it.

I’m different; I get that, and I’ve gotten used to behavior like that which was exhibited at the party and at other family functions. I also live by the philosophy that everyone is different and unique, and therefore have something positive to contribute to the lives of everyone that they know. It’s why I still try to help people I consider family and care about them, even when fighting is involved. It’s why when I was planning out this party I logged in to (Baldman)’s profile and made sure you were one of the first people invited so that you could have fun with your family that you rarely get to see. It’s why I still care about you, (her husband) and the kids. It’s why when you said I was trying to take your position in your family I asked your mother how she saw our relationship, because all I saw it was as a good friendship based on mutual experiences, and then suggested to her that she try to reassure you that you were her daughter and nothing would get in the way of that; if only because if I was feeling that way about my brother (soldierboy)’s wife, I would want reassurance from my parents, too.

I am hoping that over time we can work out our issues and try to build some sort of relationship; if not a friendship, then at the very least a relationship cordial enough to handle being around each other when needed. From the way your grandma is deteriorating, I have the feeling that will be vital to help your mom get through things when she passes on, because she’ll need all of us to lean on.

Fractures can heal. It’s just something that takes time and care. In time, we’ll probably get there.

We'll see how that all goes.